Unhinged

I was sitting at a table beside her. I could feel her warm soul radiating. It melted my outer layer of this put-together poker-faced woman. Out came the overly enthusiastic, overly expressive juvenile person. The filter in my mouth dissolved like transparent outer layers on some toffees. I couldn't stop blabbering, when I was supposed to be professional. To my surprise, she was actually bonding with this overly ecstatic, blabbering unhinged creature who was supposed to be hidden inside. 

Everything seemed to be going well until she walked around the table to get something. Apparently, only the side, where she was sitting had melted. She found a different perspective now. I seemed to unfold and turned into what looked like an unpleasant version of a Picasso painting. She saw this well put-together half of me and the melted side of me where she could see the hyper, enthusiastic half of me at the same time. Her genuine smile transformed into a forced one. I could see the horror in her eyes. I could sense her expectation of me shatter. She looked at me like I was a lunatic. She lost her composure but was trying her best to hold on to it as if she was on an edge of a cliff, holding on to her dear life. 

I've never been these two extreme versions at the same time. I'm horrified as well. I could feel a cold aura from her. It seemed to freeze me. I was stuck as these two versions. Too much emotions for me. It exploded from my heart like an air bag in a car during an accident, filling out the entire room. I still kept blabbering whatever gibberish was in my head. But the elephant in the room wasn't acknowledged. 

Her warm yellow light from her soul stopped radiating. It started to flicker. Purple light. Green light. Red light. Blue light. She seemed to be trying to control her demeanour in order to keep the warm light on. But to her horror, it kept flickering. Purple light. Green light. Red light. Blue light. Occasionally, the yellow light did seem to seep through but, it would only last for a few seconds.

The setting changes. I'm standing outside on a street. The cars are passing by. I'm waiting for the traffic light to turn green with a bunch of strangers. I'm trying to process what the hell just happened. I've been able to control this thing for quite a few years now, not going into extremes at all. How in the hell did this woman, who I barely know, manage to unfasten my spring. That's what I was. I was diminished to a spring. So much of energy tied up for so long.  Of course, I was bound to spring like that. Two extremes at once. But, why did this had to happen right at that moment with this woman?? 

"Pip-pip-pip-pip!! Pip-pip-pip-pip!! Pip-pip-pip-pip!! Pip-pip-pip-pip!!" The traffic light startles me. That's my cue to cross the road. My soul aches to yell my feelings out when trains passed by; my voice would be completely concealed by the sound of the trains if I did so. A long train ride later, I'm finally home. I bury myself in a blanket of my cloudy thoughts. "What the fuck did I do?" "Why in the hell would I let myself out completely with a woman I met for the first time?" "Not professional at all!!!" "I wish my life had Ctrl+Z button." "Such a dumb-ass!!" "Am I trying to sabotage my own life?" The blanket is suffocating me but I'm unable to step away from it.

The sun circles around me and my self-disappointment a few times before I can kick the blanket away from me. "Swish.. swishh.. swish... swishh..." the hems of my trousers make the sound as it touches the carpet, while I pace around the room. To be honest, it felt quite good as well to be back to my former self. Overwhelming yet thrilling. Just like a roller-coaster.